the green-eyed monster

we had something unfortunate happen to our family last week -- dork got laid off from his job (with the lousy economic times, his company cut positions across the board and as the newest employee, he was a casualty). the good news is that he's able to collect unemployment, he has lots of time to look for a job while he's home during the day, and he's able to spend time with morgan on the days that she's not in school.

for most moms, that would indeed seem like good news, and in reality, it *is* great that daddy and morgan have had some fun times together last week and this week. but as a working mom, i can't help but feel a little jealous when my husband tells me about the fun they had at the railroader's museum (and when he sends me a pic on my phone to prove it!) or feel just a bit resentful when they ask me to join them for lunch and i'm unable to because of a work commitment.

i stopped in to see them on my way to my lunch appointment last week and they were having a fun time together -- just the two of them -- but instead of feeling happy that she was having alone time with daddy during the day, i shed a few tears on my way to my meeting. i was sorry that i wasn't with them and a bit resentful that they were having fun without me and that morgan didn't cry whenever i left.

we did have lunch together today, just the three of us, and it was great -- morgan was happy to see me and we had a nice time. but when it was time to go and morgan was talking about seeing the animals at the zoo and daddy said that he'd take her there if she wanted to go, mommy guilt smacked me in the heart as i drove back to my office to finish up my afternoon while the two of them continued to play.

most of the time, i just deal with being a working mom and i manage my time at work and my time with morgan just fine. she and i do fun things together when i'm away from work and i spend all of the free time i possibly can with her or take her to activities as part of two mom's groups that i belong to, so she's by no means starved for love or playmates. but i hate that it's now my husband who's causing me to feel guilty about being a full-time working mommy; then again, i can't possibly expect for him to understand mommy guilt and i know deep down that i should just cherish the time they're spending together now, since it will hopefully be back to business-aw-usual when he finds a job and i'll wish that he was around more to be with morgan!

letting it all hang out...

i haven't written here in a while and i regret that. first of all, i love to write and, while i get to write occasionally for my job, it's not the creative, knock-your-socks-off creative prose that is enjoyable to write. second, blogging forces me to hone my thoughts on a topic and actually sit and ponder it for a length of time...which as a mom and a full-time employee, i don't often get to do since i'm usually running in a lot of directions and by the time i get some "me" time, it's 9pm and the last thing i feel like doing is being reflective.

fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how i look at it, i get loads of ideas to write about. those ideas, however, come at me in the most inopportune times and places, like in the shower or in the car when i'm driving to a work appointment. and while i've been known to do things like put on makeup or paint my nails while driving, even i know not to crank out a full-blown blog entry on my blackberry while on my way to dc.

another reason, though, and perhaps the most significant, is often my fear of "letting it all hang out." after all, if a blog is really to be my innermost thoughts and feelings about things, i don't always feel comfortable putting those out there....especially when the ideas i may have to write about revolve around politics, religion, or one of the many things that i find inane about society which may differ from the views of my friends or colleagues. i unfortunately have always cared too much about what others think of me...therefore, my husband (along with an ex-boyfriend or two and a few close friends) is probably the only person who would ever refer to me as a loose cannon or as opinionated or judgmental. everyone else sees me as pleasant, easygoing, and not easily rattled.

for that reason, it's easy for me to write about something funny that my daughter did or make a passing snarky comment about someone, but you'll never hear me discuss politics at work or engage in anything more than a basic smattering of religion with casual friends, and i won't engage in debates about those topics with people whose views are different than my own.

and yes, while i *do* have definite opinions on where i stand about abortion, taxes, gun control, education, and school prayer, i also have the ability to see both sides of an issue and can listen to and respect someone whose views differ from mine without the need to ram my views down their throat. i personally don't enjoy debating an issue about a heated topic -- so you can just imagine how much i hated election season, when anyone out of the blue would ask who i was voting for and then wanted to know why!! maybe that makes me seem trite or shallow...but i just don't feel that my opinion on world hunger or the size of our government is pertinent to my role as a good employee, good mom, or good friend. so go ahead and ask me about my fun trick or treat night with morgan or whether i think penn state is going to finish their season undefeated (why, that would be yes!!!)...but if you want to debate the causes of global warming or socialized medicine, talk to someone else!!

too much takeout

my husband, daughter and i had a super time in dc this past weekend -- we saw dinosaurs, rode the "big underground choo-choo", took a nap on the lawn of the mall (most of the 'malls' that morgan is used to going have cool shoes, but not lawns!), watched the changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier, and generally had a fun and exhilarating weekend filled with gorgeous weather.

on our trip home sunday, we decided to stop off at a brewpub for some brew (that would be for Dork; since i was the DD, morgan and i had root beer =) and food. the portions were huge and we had so much food left sitting on the table, so my two-year old, in all her wisdom, turned to me. "get a box, mommy. get it to go." guess i must use those words just a little too often in our household!

so much for romance...

this coming weekend marks our fifth wedding anniversary...hard to believe that I haven't killed Dork by now (although I'm sure that he has wanted to kill me on several occasions, too!!) we were planning for a nice little get-away -- neither of us have been to the smithsonian for a number of years and we thought we'd enjoy an afternoon checking out the different museums, followed by dinner in some cool downtown dc restaurant, and then drinks and some live music (he doesn't go for that much here at home, but i thought i could at least talk him into it since we'd be away from home!!) then more drinks at the hotel, a good night's sleep without the fear of being awakened, and brunch...and more time at the museums. (and yes, you should detect a theme involving much alcohol for the weekend. i have had exactly one hangover since i had morgan, and that was one too many...once a kid comes on the scene, the possibility of just lying around the house and nursing your headache and vegging in front of the tv no longer exists. the only possibilities for large amounts of alcohol consumption anymore only exist when i'm away from home!)

we were looking forward to some time for the two of us, since we really don't do much at all without morgan (and that is by choice, because i just frankly don't want to be away from her!). unfortunately, it looks like our romantic get-away weekend will now be accompanied by our daughter. my mom fell last weekend and her back is still sore, so she can't lift morgan in and out of her crib without doubling over in pain. my in-laws are consumed all weekend with their involvement in a local arts festival (my FIL has a photography display there....and my MIL has to stay with him all weekend to show her support. hmmm, passing up a chance to spend all weekend with your granddaughter to sit in a tent and help sell photos?? don't even get me started on that one...)

i'm looking forward to taking her along, but i have to admit that i'm a little bummed that we'll have to change our plans for a carefree no-set-plans weekend to one with a little more thought put into it. now naptime will need to be incorporated into our time at the museum, which will be a challenge since we'll be taking the metro into the city from our hotel in arlington, and i'm not quite sure how many 'family-friendly' hotels we'll encounter. either way, we'll have a fun time together as a family -- and when you stop to think about it, isn't celebrating family really what an anniversary is all about? if Dork and i hadn't met and married five years ago, we wouldn't have this wonderful little person in our lives that we both love with all of our hearts and who has enriched our lives more than you can ever imagine until you have a child. Dork and i will toast with wine at dinner, morgie can toast with her sippy cup with apple juice, and we'll look forward to a weekend of love and togetherness!

the mind of a two year old...

i'm walking through target last night with morgan on one of our weekly outings, and on our way out, we decide to browse through all of the halloween candy that's been newly - and still neatly - packaged onto the racks near the checkouts. i told morgan that we should pick up a bag of candy corn for daddy and grammie, since they both love candy corn. mind you, i didn't think she even really knew what i was talking about, since she was only 1 1/2 and not exactly chowing down on candy during last year's halloween festivities. we're walking up and down the candy aisles and i'm looking at all of the different varieties on the shelves and thinking about what kind i should get for our trick-or-treaters and for morgan to take to school (on both accounts, the right kind of candy will be something that i'll enjoy snacking on if we have any left, but nothing TOO yummy so that i don't have to break through the bag and eat a bunch of it before it's actually given away!). she's saying, "candy, candy" and all of a sudden, when we stop to look at the plethora of m&m's, she spies it..."candy corn, mommy, here, candy corn." surprisingly enough, she got it right...there were the bags of candy corn, and there i was, with my mouth hanging agape, amazed that someone who doesn't fully know what the toilet is or that a brush can't be used interchangeably between your teeth and your hair would be able to pick out those little orange, white and yellow triangles. but now that she's almost three, guess i better prepare myself for lots of her revelations!

pet peeves/rants

i have been wanting to start this post for some time now...i read a similar posting that one of my friends put on her blog and it made me think, oh yeah, that's something that really gets under my skin, too. since it seems that things have been getting under my skin more than usual later (more on that one in another posting!) it seemed like the perfect time to document all of those little things that drive me nuts. things like...
* people who put their turn signal on for four blocks before actually turning. come on, it's nice that you want to alert me, but you end up just pissing me off instead!
* people who are backing out of a parking spot and are driving with one hand and smoking with the other (saw this at B&N today....it didn't help matters that she had purple hair and a nose ring). come on, is your caffeine fix really that necessary that you cant wait 30 seconds till you pull out of the lot?!
* and speaking of purple hair and a nose ring....people who work in public-service jobs with foul-looking tattoos or piercings. i'm all for personal expression -- to an extent -- but i really don't want to look at the gaping inch-wide hole in your ear when i'm ordering my coffee from you or have to see your BFF's name inked on your arm as you give me my change.
*people that complain about how busy they are and point out how much others aren't busy enough (my place of employment has a ton of folks like this!!). if you are that busy, you should be so focused on what you're doing that you could care less whether i'm talking to a donor or surfing the web. get back to work!!
* people who can't let things go and hold grudges. perfect example? a friend of a friend of a friend of mine (yeah, that many friends removed...) still won't talk to me over a minor incident that happened between our mutual friend and i more than five years ago, and she still ignores me in public places. come on, just get a life already!
* trailer trash who just keep having more welfare babies for the rest of us. need i say more? (and no, just because you live in a trailer, that doesn't make you trash....you're trash if you're stupid and ignorant).
* no toilet paper or paper towels in public bathrooms, and people who leave disgusting, used feminine hygiene products on the floors of public bathrooms. ick, what makes you think you are too good to dispose of them and that i want to see them?! for that matter...public bathrooms in general (but unfortunately, they are a necessity sometimes).
* people who dress in their sunday finest to go to wal-mart, yet their little kids are dirty and have snotty noses and are out waaay past their bedtime. get your kids home, give them a bath, and put them to bed, dumbass!!!
* people who talk on their cell (or just talk too loud) at the movies.
* my husband, when he says he's sorry over things he has no control over. if i have a headache, he's sorry i have one....if i'm running late for work, he's sorry....if i get home from work in a lousy mood, he's sorry i had a bad day. sorry, but you don't have to be sorry -- life happens!!
* people who harm children in any way. this has always disgusted me, but now that i'm a parent, i can't bear to hear anything on the news related to this.
* speaking of kids: celebrities who give their kids god-awful names. think of how your poor kid is going to get treated when they grow up!
* strangers who don't say "thank you" or even acknowledge you when you hold the door for them.
* not washing your hands after using the restroom. one word -- EEEEEW!!!
* TELEMARKETERS! 11:00 pm on a saturday night! 4:30 am on a sunday morning! STOP IT!!!!!
* making no attempt to avoid hitting animals on the road.
* poor grammar. (yes, i know that i'm one to talk, using all lower-case letters in my postings....but i'm consistent). and by this i mean blatant misuse of the English language and not caring. u kno wut im talkin abowt?
* and the last one...people who don't realize how incredibly lucky they are to live as well as they do when there are so many people in this world living terrible lives beyond their control (and i am just as guilty of this as anyone else, when i get in my 'i've gotta shop...i've gotta have this...' mode...time to stop and realize what's really important in life).

a distraction waiting to happen

in addition to my full-time job and my 'job' as a mom - which i do take very seriously - i also do some freelance writing and layout/design work. since my degree is in communications and i've been writing for just about as long as i can remember, i thought taking on some freelance work would be fun and exciting, since i don't do much creative writing in my current position. well, for the most part, it IS fun except when i try to cram it in along with all of the other things that i have to get done.

right now (yes, as we speak...err, type) i'm attempting to work on a newsletter and write copy/photoshop some photos/design a eye-catching layout. all the while while it's 2am and i'm serving in church later today (in a few hours -- which means i can't shut off the alarm and put the pillow over my head and stay home) and i've got to get this newsletter done by the end of the weekend.

but instead of buckling down and working on it, i surfed the web in between writing copy (although i did find some great blogs to add to my blogroll) and tuned in to some fun shows on E!, the Style network and Bravo that I hadn't seen for awhile. well, I didn't actually mean to tune in...but they were on in the background, and my attention just got sucked to the tv and away from the laptop not more than a foot from my face. it's mazing how sometimes when you are under the gun and trying to get something done, you deep down don't want to be doing it after all and will find any other thing that can possibly divert your attention. not sure if that's a universal thing or just a me thing (adult add, anyone?!) but i remember being the same way in college -- i'd have an exam to study for or a paper to finish and instead of doing the project at hand, my roomies and i would sit up and talk or i'd make sure i took breaks every half hour or so to do something 'important' like clean up the kitchen, paint my hails, or call a friend.

and now, as it gets later and later, and as the tv selection gets worse and worse, i'm faced with the decision that i know i must make. if i continue to tune in to the show that just came on -- an infomercial on some dancing/weightloss video being hawked by a scary christina aguilera look-alike -- i know that bad karma will get me, in the form of my daughter waking up at 4am and totally wrecking any hope of sleep! instead of being a distraction waiting to happen like i normally am, i think i'm ready to allow a nice fluffy pillow and soft blanket distract me from it all. nite-nite!