the green-eyed monster

we had something unfortunate happen to our family last week -- dork got laid off from his job (with the lousy economic times, his company cut positions across the board and as the newest employee, he was a casualty). the good news is that he's able to collect unemployment, he has lots of time to look for a job while he's home during the day, and he's able to spend time with morgan on the days that she's not in school.

for most moms, that would indeed seem like good news, and in reality, it *is* great that daddy and morgan have had some fun times together last week and this week. but as a working mom, i can't help but feel a little jealous when my husband tells me about the fun they had at the railroader's museum (and when he sends me a pic on my phone to prove it!) or feel just a bit resentful when they ask me to join them for lunch and i'm unable to because of a work commitment.

i stopped in to see them on my way to my lunch appointment last week and they were having a fun time together -- just the two of them -- but instead of feeling happy that she was having alone time with daddy during the day, i shed a few tears on my way to my meeting. i was sorry that i wasn't with them and a bit resentful that they were having fun without me and that morgan didn't cry whenever i left.

we did have lunch together today, just the three of us, and it was great -- morgan was happy to see me and we had a nice time. but when it was time to go and morgan was talking about seeing the animals at the zoo and daddy said that he'd take her there if she wanted to go, mommy guilt smacked me in the heart as i drove back to my office to finish up my afternoon while the two of them continued to play.

most of the time, i just deal with being a working mom and i manage my time at work and my time with morgan just fine. she and i do fun things together when i'm away from work and i spend all of the free time i possibly can with her or take her to activities as part of two mom's groups that i belong to, so she's by no means starved for love or playmates. but i hate that it's now my husband who's causing me to feel guilty about being a full-time working mommy; then again, i can't possibly expect for him to understand mommy guilt and i know deep down that i should just cherish the time they're spending together now, since it will hopefully be back to business-aw-usual when he finds a job and i'll wish that he was around more to be with morgan!

feeling guilty for not feeling guilty...

one of the best parts of my job is that i get to travel and meet with alumni and donors for the college where i work, and that means i often get to stay over if i'm going to be out of town. because i have a two year-old, my single male colleague usually does the bulk of the extended travel, but i still have a night or two each month away from home.

i felt bad about being away from home when i first started the job last year -- my daughter had just turned one and, in my mind, was still a baby who needed me there 24/7. now that she's two, i don't feel so bad about not being there every minute of the day; she has a great time with my mom and my hubby, and it makes the time that i am with her all that more special. but i still can't help feeling a bit guilty as i sit in my hotel room outside of d.c., savoring the last few chapters of jen lancaster's "such a pretty fat" without the interruption of cries or 'mamamamamamama.' a tiny part of me feels bad that i'm not with her at this minute, but the rest of me is savoring the trip...the crisp, pristine white sheets...the floor that i can step down on without fear of breaking a crayon into bits or feeling the sharp corner of a wooden block on my bare foot...and the simple fact that i could watch all of 'american idol' without Dork flipping through 37 channels during the commercial break.

sitting here with my book on my lap, tv tuned to one channel, and laptop open and sitting beside me on the bed makes me fondly reminisce about my single days, before Dork and morgan, when i could watch whatever i wanted without interruptions and when i knew that my computer was safe without the threat of tiny fingers tapping on it or spilling cereal on the keyboard. but then i remember the sound of her little laugh, and how my heart almost bursts every day when i pick her up from school and she runs over to see me, yelling 'mamamama' and hugging my legs, and suddenly those 'happy' memories of being single and carefree aren't as appealing after all. see, i'm lucky because i get the best of both worlds, and i couldn't be happier....guilt or no guilt.