This blog just got CPR after a 10-year hiatus

In a class I had this semester for Spiritual Formation, one of the requirements was that we kept a daily journal to see how we connected with our spirituality and a spiritual virtue that selected us. My virtue was courage, so every day I had to stop to think about how I would be courageous and somehow demonstrate this virtue...and I had to write about it in journal. I learned two things from this exercise: 1) It is awfully hard to sit down, old-school, with a pen and paper and write out your thoughts when you are used to typing everything on your computer and thinking as you type. It makes it difficult to think the same way (at least for me!) when you are writing vs. typing. 2) I realized I missed blogging and sharing some of my thoughts, musings, and ponderings as a way of expressing myself. After all, I was a college journalism/PR major who used to do a lot of writing for my various professions and that has now gone by the wayside to a great extent, and I miss the creative outlet. So I am going to attempt to post on a semi-regular basis, given that I'm often rather pressed for time.

While it's impossible to capture everything that's happened since I last blogged, here's a quick synopsis since I last posted, in case you've read my previous posts:

- I left my job in fundraising at the university because I traveled a lot and wanted to be with my daughter more....oh, and the Jerry Sandusky scandal happened and let's just say that was a difficult situation to deal with, both personally as an alum as well as professionally as a development officer.
- I began working as the development and marketing director for a non-profit health and human services agency that focuses primarily in senior living. I worked there for four years.
- During that time, I met many clergy and became more and more involved in church and in our regional synod. I took classes and became a lay worship leader and loved learning about the historical aspect of the bible and the history of religion -- which is totally different from what I learned growing up in a more fundamental church background.
- I sensed a possible call to ministry but kept telling myself NOOOOO, I can't give up a good job and go back to school. But God had other plans that happened without my doing.
- I quit my full-time job and took a part-time job that I found out about -- as a church secretary! -- and am now in my second year as a Master of Divinity degree student at United Lutheran Seminary. I have another full year of coursework then a year of internship -- and if all goes well, I will be ordained as a Minister of Word and Sacrament in 2021 in the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America).
- My daughter was little when I first started writing this -- she's now 12 years old and my worries about potty training and being a bad mom for putting her in daycare have evolved into worries about boys, hormones and girls who are asshats bullies.
- Dork and I celebrated our 15-year anniversary this past October. When I first began my blog, marriage and parenting were both really difficult for me. I often felt overwhelmed and unsupported. But through the years, I discovered that support comes in a variety of ways. People grow apart, or they grow together....and we have grown stronger together. The rough times have made us stronger, more understanding, and more supportive of one other. We are a family unit of three and we have one another's backs without exception.
- I lost my mother-in-law three years ago and my dear mother last year. I miss them both and grieve the loss of my mom every day, but I also know she is at peace and that I'll be reunited with her and my dad someday.
- As part of my faith formation for ordination, I'm required to complete Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), where I am taking classes on chaplaincy and serving as a chaplain at Gettysburg Hospital until April 2019. The whole process is probably one of the most challenging and often uncomfortable things I have done in my life so far, but I am learning so much from it -- how to minister to people who are hurting, who are grieving, who are scared, and just being there for them. And I'll share more about CPE -- as well as my journey through this path of seminary! -- as I continue to write. Thanks for walking with me on the path!

back yet once again

yeah, i know....in my post this past january, i started writing a blog entry and was so excited to be back here once again with full intention of keeping up my writing. so here it is six months later and i'm just getting around to my second post...and i only stumbled upon my blog site since i was reading a friend's post and had to log into mine to be able to comment on hers.

but i've had quite a bit of good stuff happen over the past six months or so to write about....last december, i started my new years' resolutions (i don't like the pressure of starting in january, so i kicked mine off a little early!) with four general resolutions for the upcoming year. i've posted these to the fridge so that i have to look at them every day. here's what they were/are:
1. eat healthier
2. move it!
3. write a book
4. learn something new

so far, i've actually kept going with two of them and am working on a third. starting in december (although i did cheat a bit over the holidays) i decided to cut out sugar in a big way....no more just grabbing a cookie or a piece of candy without thinking about what i was putting in my mouth. i also started checking out the labels of what i was eating....after reading some books focusing on food and eating habits, and seeing movies like 'super size me' and 'food inc.' i got a bit skeeved out at all of the preservatives and chemicals that are in our food and what it does to our bodies....so now, instead of picking up the quick 'ready-made' convenient foods at the grocery store, i use a lot more whole foods and make things from scratch. it was a bit rough getting used to at first because yes, it does take more time...but now that i'm used to it, i actually find that i'm more creative in the kitchen and enjoy it a lot more. after all, it really is more fun to make a stir fry and throw in whatever veggies you want and season your chicken however you want it rather than relying on lean cuisine to do it for you.

another thing i did on my track to a healthier life style was cut out beverages that just added empty calories. we love taking morgan to story time at b&n on saturdays, and our special treat was always hitting the cafe afterwards, for a strawberry smoothie for her and a caramel latte or frap for me. but man, when i stopped and actually looked at the sugar and calorie content of one of those drinks, i was blown away. same way with vitamin water...i love the stuff and used to drink it just about every day for lunch. and even though it's naturally sweetened, that still adds up to lots of sugar and calories that i really don't need tacked onto whatever else i'm having. sure, i still splurge once in a while, but my mainstay drinks now are water with lemon, coffee and i've even gotten used to drinking unsweetened tea and iced tea. the artificial sweeteners really aren't good for ya and end up making you hungry in the long run, so i just cut them out and don't miss them now that i have them out of my system. and the bonus out of all of this is, i dropped about 10 pounds without even trying.

but since 'moving it!' was on the to-do list, i knew that i had to supplement the healthy eating with being active. a friend teaches pilates and i took some classes and was amazed at how it really does change the structure of your body. without even dropping much weight, i could tell a difference in how my clothing fit and how toned my muscles started to become. and exercise is a funny thing....it takes a while to get into the habit of doing it, but once you do, you realize how good it makes you feel. even though i used to go the gym a lot when i was single and was pretty in shape, that slacked off when i dated my bf before dork and then when dork and i got serious, we ordered take out a lot and spent lots of time in front of the tv or going out to bars and restaurants, so the gym-going stopped and the pounds crept on.....and more crept on during pregnancy but i always had every excuse in the book after morgan was born for why i couldn't exercise, since i'm a working mom and didn't want to take time away from her. however, i'm blessed to work at a place that has gym equipment and workout facilities readily available, and it finally clicked that i can work out during the day and not take any time away from her. besides the pilates, i started walking and even running, and i even take a kickboxing class at the place where she takes karate....and i'm blown away at how good i feel and how much more energy i have, and how i WANT to exercise (yeah, i know...i can't believe i'm actually saying that). and if i don't get a chance to work out during the day, i'll go at night before she goes to bed, as i actually feel like it sets a good example for her to see me exercise and be healthy.

writing the book was third on the list and even though that hasn't progressed as well as i'd like, i discovered during a four-hour road trip this past weekend that one of my best friends has always wanted to collaborate on a book with someone, so we are putting our two brains together and working on something that will be partly autobiographical, partly chick lit and hopefully really funny! we're looking forward to the process of putting something down on paper and kicking this thing off....and hopefully it will have a better track record than my wayward blog entries!

time flies...but this is ridiculous!

yes, it really has been TWO effing years since i last blogged. why, you ask? well, for starters, life just got in the way. my daughter got older, work got busier, i got involved in more things, ad the time i used to spend on my computer in the evenings after my daughter went to bed either got sucked up by farming, offing mafiosos, or going to sorority parties on facebook. the free time in the evenings is also farther and more few between just by spending more time with morgan, since she's now older and stays up later and wants to be with me during most of her waking moments.

i also consciously stopped blogging for awhile when i noticed that i talked about someone in my blogs in a way that may have been interpreted by that person as unkind -- and then found out that person was looking at my blog on a regular basis when i wasn't even aware that they knew i had a blog...so to not come off as a bitch that was ranting, i decided to cool things for awhile. i'm back now, though; quite frankly i missed it. i love to write and i no longer write as much in my job as i used to and i miss the creative outlet...plus i have an idea for a book and i know that, to get in practice for writing a book means that i have to actually WRITE, so this is a means of getting my feet wet again! i'm glad to be back...

the green-eyed monster

we had something unfortunate happen to our family last week -- dork got laid off from his job (with the lousy economic times, his company cut positions across the board and as the newest employee, he was a casualty). the good news is that he's able to collect unemployment, he has lots of time to look for a job while he's home during the day, and he's able to spend time with morgan on the days that she's not in school.

for most moms, that would indeed seem like good news, and in reality, it *is* great that daddy and morgan have had some fun times together last week and this week. but as a working mom, i can't help but feel a little jealous when my husband tells me about the fun they had at the railroader's museum (and when he sends me a pic on my phone to prove it!) or feel just a bit resentful when they ask me to join them for lunch and i'm unable to because of a work commitment.

i stopped in to see them on my way to my lunch appointment last week and they were having a fun time together -- just the two of them -- but instead of feeling happy that she was having alone time with daddy during the day, i shed a few tears on my way to my meeting. i was sorry that i wasn't with them and a bit resentful that they were having fun without me and that morgan didn't cry whenever i left.

we did have lunch together today, just the three of us, and it was great -- morgan was happy to see me and we had a nice time. but when it was time to go and morgan was talking about seeing the animals at the zoo and daddy said that he'd take her there if she wanted to go, mommy guilt smacked me in the heart as i drove back to my office to finish up my afternoon while the two of them continued to play.

most of the time, i just deal with being a working mom and i manage my time at work and my time with morgan just fine. she and i do fun things together when i'm away from work and i spend all of the free time i possibly can with her or take her to activities as part of two mom's groups that i belong to, so she's by no means starved for love or playmates. but i hate that it's now my husband who's causing me to feel guilty about being a full-time working mommy; then again, i can't possibly expect for him to understand mommy guilt and i know deep down that i should just cherish the time they're spending together now, since it will hopefully be back to business-aw-usual when he finds a job and i'll wish that he was around more to be with morgan!

letting it all hang out...

i haven't written here in a while and i regret that. first of all, i love to write and, while i get to write occasionally for my job, it's not the creative, knock-your-socks-off creative prose that is enjoyable to write. second, blogging forces me to hone my thoughts on a topic and actually sit and ponder it for a length of time...which as a mom and a full-time employee, i don't often get to do since i'm usually running in a lot of directions and by the time i get some "me" time, it's 9pm and the last thing i feel like doing is being reflective.

fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how i look at it, i get loads of ideas to write about. those ideas, however, come at me in the most inopportune times and places, like in the shower or in the car when i'm driving to a work appointment. and while i've been known to do things like put on makeup or paint my nails while driving, even i know not to crank out a full-blown blog entry on my blackberry while on my way to dc.

another reason, though, and perhaps the most significant, is often my fear of "letting it all hang out." after all, if a blog is really to be my innermost thoughts and feelings about things, i don't always feel comfortable putting those out there....especially when the ideas i may have to write about revolve around politics, religion, or one of the many things that i find inane about society which may differ from the views of my friends or colleagues. i unfortunately have always cared too much about what others think of me...therefore, my husband (along with an ex-boyfriend or two and a few close friends) is probably the only person who would ever refer to me as a loose cannon or as opinionated or judgmental. everyone else sees me as pleasant, easygoing, and not easily rattled.

for that reason, it's easy for me to write about something funny that my daughter did or make a passing snarky comment about someone, but you'll never hear me discuss politics at work or engage in anything more than a basic smattering of religion with casual friends, and i won't engage in debates about those topics with people whose views are different than my own.

and yes, while i *do* have definite opinions on where i stand about abortion, taxes, gun control, education, and school prayer, i also have the ability to see both sides of an issue and can listen to and respect someone whose views differ from mine without the need to ram my views down their throat. i personally don't enjoy debating an issue about a heated topic -- so you can just imagine how much i hated election season, when anyone out of the blue would ask who i was voting for and then wanted to know why!! maybe that makes me seem trite or shallow...but i just don't feel that my opinion on world hunger or the size of our government is pertinent to my role as a good employee, good mom, or good friend. so go ahead and ask me about my fun trick or treat night with morgan or whether i think penn state is going to finish their season undefeated (why, that would be yes!!!)...but if you want to debate the causes of global warming or socialized medicine, talk to someone else!!

too much takeout

my husband, daughter and i had a super time in dc this past weekend -- we saw dinosaurs, rode the "big underground choo-choo", took a nap on the lawn of the mall (most of the 'malls' that morgan is used to going have cool shoes, but not lawns!), watched the changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier, and generally had a fun and exhilarating weekend filled with gorgeous weather.

on our trip home sunday, we decided to stop off at a brewpub for some brew (that would be for Dork; since i was the DD, morgan and i had root beer =) and food. the portions were huge and we had so much food left sitting on the table, so my two-year old, in all her wisdom, turned to me. "get a box, mommy. get it to go." guess i must use those words just a little too often in our household!

so much for romance...

this coming weekend marks our fifth wedding anniversary...hard to believe that I haven't killed Dork by now (although I'm sure that he has wanted to kill me on several occasions, too!!) we were planning for a nice little get-away -- neither of us have been to the smithsonian for a number of years and we thought we'd enjoy an afternoon checking out the different museums, followed by dinner in some cool downtown dc restaurant, and then drinks and some live music (he doesn't go for that much here at home, but i thought i could at least talk him into it since we'd be away from home!!) then more drinks at the hotel, a good night's sleep without the fear of being awakened, and brunch...and more time at the museums. (and yes, you should detect a theme involving much alcohol for the weekend. i have had exactly one hangover since i had morgan, and that was one too many...once a kid comes on the scene, the possibility of just lying around the house and nursing your headache and vegging in front of the tv no longer exists. the only possibilities for large amounts of alcohol consumption anymore only exist when i'm away from home!)

we were looking forward to some time for the two of us, since we really don't do much at all without morgan (and that is by choice, because i just frankly don't want to be away from her!). unfortunately, it looks like our romantic get-away weekend will now be accompanied by our daughter. my mom fell last weekend and her back is still sore, so she can't lift morgan in and out of her crib without doubling over in pain. my in-laws are consumed all weekend with their involvement in a local arts festival (my FIL has a photography display there....and my MIL has to stay with him all weekend to show her support. hmmm, passing up a chance to spend all weekend with your granddaughter to sit in a tent and help sell photos?? don't even get me started on that one...)

i'm looking forward to taking her along, but i have to admit that i'm a little bummed that we'll have to change our plans for a carefree no-set-plans weekend to one with a little more thought put into it. now naptime will need to be incorporated into our time at the museum, which will be a challenge since we'll be taking the metro into the city from our hotel in arlington, and i'm not quite sure how many 'family-friendly' hotels we'll encounter. either way, we'll have a fun time together as a family -- and when you stop to think about it, isn't celebrating family really what an anniversary is all about? if Dork and i hadn't met and married five years ago, we wouldn't have this wonderful little person in our lives that we both love with all of our hearts and who has enriched our lives more than you can ever imagine until you have a child. Dork and i will toast with wine at dinner, morgie can toast with her sippy cup with apple juice, and we'll look forward to a weekend of love and togetherness!